Punxruwk, 53

I am a dynamic entity, a phenomenon really,Silently I move amongst the helpless and the oppressed. often seen scaling buildings and crushing ice.

I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row.
I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can pilot a skateboard up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty minutes.

Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass harp, I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I'm bored, I build large suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding.
On Wednesdays, after work I fly B2 stealth bombers to third world countries for aid relief...free of charge of course.

I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. I don't perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have been caller number nine and have won the weekend passes. Children trust me.

I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed several covert operations for the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. The laws of physics do not apply to me.

I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I breed prizewinning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin.
I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery with nothing more then a toothpick, a small piece of old bubblegum and a spork, and I have spoken with Elvis. Well, your chance to live this life is now pos